


I Cannot Believe We're Stealing An Ultrasound Machine

by AsagiStilinski



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Lydia Martin Is So Done, M/M, Magical Stiles Stilinski, Mpreg, Overprotective, Overprotective Stiles Stilinski, Pregnant Derek Hale, Scott McCall is so done, Shenanigans, Stiles Stilinski Takes Care Of Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski is a good husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 16:56:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11650827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsagiStilinski/pseuds/AsagiStilinski
Summary: Derek, seven months pregnant, wakes up one night with horrible cramps- StilesmightoverreactIn other news, the pack steals an ultrasound machine





	I Cannot Believe We're Stealing An Ultrasound Machine

**Author's Note:**

> This is the crackiest thing I've written in a very long time, I can only hope you find some enjoyment in it somehow

Stiles had always been told that having kids would lead him to do things he never thought he would

He just didn't anticipate that those things would start before the kids were even born

Stiles was used to wimpering in the middle of the night too

Nightmares were still a thing, after all, and even if they were far less than they used to be, they never completely vanished

Plus they also had a dog who seemed bound and determined to never let Stiles sleep

So when he first heard the quiet wimpers beside him, he wasn't immediately alarmed

"Derek? Hey.... hey.... wake up Derek," he mumbled quietly, gently nudging his husband and rubbing his arm, trying to wake him

"I- .... I'm awake," Derek gasped

This, on the other hand, yanked Stiles out of his stupor, and had him bolting up in bed

"Derek? Hey, what's the matter? What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing just.... just ... cramps...."

There were two things immediately disturbing about that:

1\. Derek's pain tolerance was actually quite high, if he was making noise, he must be in _agony_

And 2. Derek was pregnant

"I'm calling Melissa," Stiles said instantly, reaching over the phone

"What? Stiles.... no...."

Stiles had always been overprotective, but since Derek had gotten pregnant he had gone from a firm ten all the way up to a freaking fifteen and Derek was about to lose his mind

"Derek, you are having CRAMPS ok!? That's not good!! You might be going into labor!"

"I think.... I think I'm fine," he gasped

"Oh yeah, you SOUND fine," Stiles huffed back, leaning over to rub Derek's back in what he hoped would be a soothing gesture with one hand and hurrying to dial the hospital with the other

"Stiles I- ... I really ... think I'm fine," Derek gasped, letting out little stunted breaths every few words

Stiles would sooner believe that a lake monster was living in their bath tub

"You are not _fine_ Derek, you're _pregnant_ and having cramps, that could mean anything!"

"It could mean that I'm fine," Derek grunted

Stiles rolled his eyes so hard that he was surprised they didn't just roll into the back of his head

He let out a sigh as he pressed the appropriate numbers in the phone, trying to connect with the nurse's station so he could reach Melissa- because ofcourse she was on the night shift tonight, ofcourse

"How long ago did this start?"

"I don't... I don't know.... I've- _agh_ \- been up for.... for maybe.... ten minutes?"

Great....

"Babe, you've gotta wake me up when this stuff happens, I thought we talked about this,"

"Nothing is ha- .. happening! I'm FINE,"

"You sound like you're about to start crying! You are NOT fine!"

"I'm not.... CRYING.... either," Derek huffed back

Stiles ran his tongue against his teeth, trying to rein in some calm as he punched in another extension code

"You know, my dad always told me I'd get paid back for my stubbornness someday, he always said it would be my kids but I think you've beat them to it,"

Derek just grunted, wich was fair enough

"Hi! Hey, Nurse Miller? Is Melissa McCall there? Tell her it's Stiles and that it's an emergency- well... no no not THAT kind of em- ... it's a FAMILY emergency, thanks,"

"Stop both- ... bothering her," Derek mumbled

"I'm not bothering her Derek, she's practically family, and a NURSE, this is literally her job,"

Derek just groaned again, starting to twitch as the dog jumped on the bed and started licking his face

"Hey, Scully get down, leave Daddy alone," Stiles frowned, leaning over to gently try to shoo the dog away

"It's... it's fine...."

"For God's sake Derek not everything is fine!"

"Not ever- everything is an.... emergency either," he huffed

"I think... I think I'm just ha-having... having... Bra-Braxton Hicks..."

"Or you could be flat out going into labor or you could be having some kind of ... rupture of some kind! Derek you can't play with this kind of st-"

_"Stiles?"_

"Melissa! Hey! Thank God! Listen, Derek is having cramps, what does that mean? Does he need to go to the ER? Is he going into labor? Is he gonna be ok?"

_"Breathe Stiles, just breathe, cramps don't necessarily mean anything,"_

Stiles took a long, shakey breath, nodding slowly and biting his lip

_"Ask him how bad the pain is,"_

"Um, Derek? On a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?"

"Eight... maybe seven..."

"Seven or eight," Stiles parroted back into the phone

_"Alright, I think if he was in labor he'd be a ten, but we still can't be sure, call your midwife, ask her to check him out-"_

"She's out of town for the weekend and I don't have a backup yet, I wasn't counting on this,"

Stiles was usually over-prepared for everything, but finding magic-using midwives who were totally used to male werewolf pregnancies was a little on the difficult side

_"... Alright... what about Deaton-?"_

"The Cryptic King? I'm pretty sure the most he'd help would be some kind of riddle, listen I just... do we need to be thinking ER here?"

"Werewolf," Derek grumbled as he tensed, another wave of agony bursting through his body

And... he had a point

Sometimes Stiles forgot that the majority of the world would pass out over the thought of a pregnant cis male....

(Not to mention a werewolf)

"Is there anything you can do? Can you examine him?"

_"Stiles I wouldn't know where to start, to say this kind of ... biology... isn't taught in nursing school would be an understatement, but if he starts going into labor, you'll know,"_

"But what if something is wrong!? Can't you do _anything_? _Please_!?"

There was a quiet sigh, and Stiles waited anxiously for an answer

_"The only thing I can think of would be an ultrasound, but I can't exactly bring one of those to the house and just short of stealing one you'd have to-"_

"Hint taken, I'll see you soon, thanks, bye!"

Stiles hadn't even considered that Melissa was going to offer him another alternative before hanging up, anxiety far too high for logical thought at this point

And Derek, his usual source of rationality at a time like this, was in too much pain to listen in to the conversation

"Well?" the werewolf panted

"Don't worry babe, I've got this covered,"

Derek was absolutely going to worry

 

~+~

 

"You want us to do _**what**_?"

_"You heard me Scott,"_

Scott sighed, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head

Seriously, all he ever wanted was some sense of normalcy in his life, why did these things keep happening to him?

"Stiles... we are not going to steal an ultrasound machine,"

 

~+~

 

"I cannot believe we're stealing an ultrasound machine,"

Scott, at this point, had made peace with it, but Lydia still seemed rather perturbed

"Atleast it isn't life-threatening," Scott yawned

"No, but between this and the three A.M. ice cream runs it's starting to be sleep threatening, I'm beginning to wish Derek had gotten pregnant a few months earlier so I could be in school and away from this madness," Lydia sighed

"Hey, we're _pack_ , this is the kind of thing pack DOES for eachother, Derek never asks for anything and this is the least we can do to support him and Stiles during such a weird and stressfull experience," Malia huffed

Everyone was quiet for a moment, before Scott decided that- as much as he hated to admit it- she was right

"You're right Malia, we're sor-"

"No no no, WHY is she right? Why are you suddenly so concerned?" Lydia asked suspiciously

Malia wrinkled her nose, shifting on her feet a little

"Stiles promised if I was on his side he'd let me help pick out the middle name,"

Lydia rolled her eyes, giving an "I told you so" sort of gesture and walking reluctantly towards the reception desk

"All I know is that I'm getting my number removed from the midnight-helpline the next time they do this," Lydia huffed

Scott rubbed a hand down his face, shaking his head slowly and wrapping an arm around Kira

"Are you ready for this?"

Kira gave him a thumb's up, and the second they started walking, her acting skills kicked in and she did everything she could to appear atleast moderately ill

She groaned, stumbled, clung to Scott like a koala, even Lydia had to admit it was almost convincing (almost)

Scott had been hoping that one of the nurses he knew well would have been sitting at the reception desk so there wouldn't be as many questions, but because this was his luck, ofcourse it would be someone new who hadn't met him yet

"Hi, um, is Melissa McCall here? She's my mom, we really need to talk to her,"

"I think she's with a patient right now, but if you need something-"

"Scott?"

It was pure luck that Melissa happened to come down the hallway in that moment

"Mom!"

"What are you guys doing here? What's wrong with Kira?" Melissa asked with concern, hurrying closer to the small group

"I don't know, something might be wrong with _the baby_ ,"

Scott's "I'm lying, please get this, play along" eyebrow-raising was the most unconvincing thing she had ever seen

But atleast she understood

"Right..... the baby, come on, we should go check on... that,"

It wasn't the _best_ lie in the world but atleast the other nurse seemed too tired to care

(And who could blame her at almost four in the morning?)

"Let me guess, Stiles?" Melissa sighed the second they were away from the reception desk

"Stiles," all four of them confirmed

"Ofcourse it is,"

 

~+~

 

"The warm water should help you feel better, can you stand?"

"I think so..." Derek mumbled, wincing as he tried to sit up

It wasn't going well

His hands were shaking, everytime he moved so much as an inch the pain seemed to get worse, and he was feeling light-headed just from moving around

He was still fairly confident that he was just having Braxton Hicks but he knew that if he mentioned the light-headedness to Stiles he would lose his mind...

Before he even got into a sitting position though, Stiles apparently had decided that he had had enough and reached out, sliding his arms easily under Derek's back and legs and lifting him up

It always amazed him how strong Stiles was, even with knowing that he had magic to help him, it was just... kind of incredible

"S-Stiles-"

"Don't worry, I've got ya', have I ever let you down?"

Honestly... no....

Wich brought a sense of calm over him, even with the pain

Stiles set him down carefully on the edge of the tub, helping him work his sweat pants off before easily sliding off his own and simply climbing into the bath with him, gently manhandling him until Derek was able to lean back against his husband's chest, Stiles' arms wrapping around him as he nuzzled into his shoulder

"I'm doing this next time, ok?"

"Stiles... you know that... just because I'm in pain.. it doesn't mean I hate being pre-.. pregnant, right?"

"I know... but I want to, marriage is about give and take Derek, don't be selfish, let me share the pains of labor,"

Derek let out a huff of a laugh- wich wasn't the best idea, what with the agonizing pain that shot through him from it

"Well, last thing I'd want is- .. is to be selfish,"

Stiles snickered, pressing a kiss to his cheek and nuzzling into his shoulder

"Well if that's the case, then you'll let me get ice cream for you and we can watch creepy YouTube videos once we're sure you're not about to go into labor or something, sound good?"

"I thought ice cream and creepy videos was _your_ go-to for feeling better?" Derek smirked

"It is, and I, being the most generous husband ever, have decided to share that with you,"

"I'm so lucky," Derek said dryly

Stiles shrugged, kissing him again and resting his forehead against his husband's

"Nah... I think that would be me,"

 

~+~

 

"You know... wouldn't it have just been easier for you to have called Corey and gotten him to turn the ultrasound machine invisible to sneak it out?"

Scott paused, his face turning pale as he stared at Malia over his shoulder, a look of pure despair over his shoulder

"... You forgot about him, didn't you Scott?"

"I didn't forget about him,"

"You forgot about his _powers_ , didn't you Scott?"

Scott winced, ultrasound halfway into the back of the car and a look of regret on his features

"Well...."

"As a matter of fact, wouldn't it have just been easier for Stiles to sneak Derek in and do it here?" Malia added a second later

Lydia suddenly looked like she was about to murder someone, and that look only intensified when she happened to glance down at the "hideous" stolen scrubs she had been forced to wear to help sneak the machine out of the hospital

"I am going to _kill_ Stiles,"

"Aw give him a break you guys, he's tired and worried, I mean, do any of us really think we'd act differently in his position?" Kira, the voice of sympathy, echoed as she finished pushing the equipment into the car

"Yes," replied Malia and Lydia in unison

Scott just shook his head, shutting the doors to the back of the van and letting out a sigh

"Come to think of it, how are Stiles and Derek having a baby before you and Scott anyway? You've been together WAY longer," Malia added

"Because Stiles and Derek are faster," Lydia snapped, rubbing her face tiredly and making her way to the passenger's side of the van

Malia, mostly, just looked confused, but followed her anyway

"Why ARE they having a baby first?" Kira frowned suddenly

(Scott would have to remember to never invite Malia on one of these trips again- God he wished he didn't have to instinctively know that this wasn't going to be the last time they'd have one of these ventures into insanity....)

"Are we really going to have this conversation here?"

Kira, however, seemed unphased

"I'm still in college, I thought we were going to wait until I graduated,"

"Well, whatever you do, make sure your midwife doesn't leaves town for your entire pregnancy so you don't run into this problem," Malia huffed

"We won't have this problem regardless, Kira can go to an actual hospital when something happens,"

"Who said Kira had to be the one getting pregnant?" Malia noted

Scott's mouth fell open, but only half because of the suggestion, half because Kira looked like she was _actually thinking about that_

"Well, she's not wrong," Kira said slowly

"But-.... how...? Why.....? .... _How_...?"

"Are you two REALLY going to have this conversation here?" Lydia huffed

"We're trying to steal an expensive peice of hospital equipment, don't you think we should, you know, _get going_?"

"She has a point, we'll talk about it later," Kira promised, leaning up to kiss Scott's cheek before heading to the van as well

Scott, mostly, just stared into dead space in absolute horror

 

~+~

 

"Guys, thank you for this, really, but... Derek is sleeping, apparently the cramps went away, he really needs his rest so if we could just do this later-"

"Ohhhh _no_ Stilinski-"

"Stilinski- _Hale_ ," Stiles corrected, not that Lydia seemed to care

"I did not spend the majority of one of my ONLY free nights a year _stealing an ultrasound machine_ for you to suddenly not need it anymore, I swear Stiles, if we aren't doing this to Derek we're doing it to you,"

"Oh come _on_ -"

"I left an hour before my shift was over, we're doing it," Melissa insisted with a frown

Stiles squinted, lips pressing into a thin line as he moved aside

"He's in the bedroom,"

It was actually kind of impressive to watch the pack file in, pushing the machine inside and starting to make their way upstairs, only Malia and Scott lagging behind- given that they were the ones with the strength to carry the thing

"This is all going to be so much easier when you graduate vet school, you can just do all of this stuff yourself," Malia said with a slight huff as she picked up her side of the machine

"What? Malia I'm gonna be a vet, not a doctor," Scott pouted

"You're _werewolves_ , you'll be close enough,"

Scott turned to look at Stiles, as if searching for help, but the spark only shrugged, patting him on the back and following him up the stairs, one hand on the machine so his magic would shave some of the weight off

"You'd certainly be more convenient," Stiles shrugged back

Scott couldn't believe the people he associated himself with

 

~+~

 

"I told you it was just Braxton Hicks," Derek noted, slipping another spoon full of ice cream into his mouth

"Derek you've never been pregnant before, that wasn't even an educated guess! Can you really blame me for being, you know, _cautious_?"

"Werewolves know these things," Derek shrugged back

" _'Werewolves know these things'_? What the hell does that even MEAN?"

"It means when there's something wrong with our bodies we know, if something is natural we know, well, some of us anyway," Derek added, venturing a pointed glance towards the window with the knowledge that Scott had just left, fretting over the worry that he may have somehow gotten pregnant with Kira's child in the last couple of months

(No matter how many times Derek tried to tell him it didn't work that way)

"Ok, well, that's nice for you and all, but I am not going to feel guilty about being _reasonably concerned_ when my pregnant husband starts having contractions,"

"They were cramps,"

"Same thing essentially,"

"And stealing an ultrasound machine is not, in any way, reasonable," Derek added

Stiles narrowed his eyes, his own spoon of ice cream half-sticking out of his mouth as he paused the video they were watching and started to smirk

"Are you saying that if _I_ was pregnant and in agonizing pain you wouldn't have done the same thing?"

"Ofcourse not," Derek huffed

There was a short pause, Stiles' eyebrows raising, before he asked one last thing

"You would have just threatened and growled until you had an entire hospital wing all to yourself wouldn't you?"

"Getting warmer,"


End file.
